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Everyone remembers what happened to the likes of Adalius Thomas and Randy Moss after they were late in getting to the stadium last season. At the time they battled blizzard like conditions which caused traffic so bad they couldn’t get to the stadium on time, and as a result they were sent home by head coach Bill Belichick.

So does Tom Brady, and he wasn’t taking any chances despite being involved in what witnesses described as a “high impact” crash on Thursday morning. After a red minivan ran a red light and caused the collision, Brady said he immediately grabbed his cell phone and called someone to come and pick him up.

“There was no way I was going to be late,” said Brady, who wasn’t hurt but was reportedly “shaken up” after the incident. “Coach doesn’t tolerate guys being late, and there’s no way I was going to take a chance on being sent home today. I mean we play the Bengals on Sunday.”

“There was no way I was going to be late.” – QB Tom Brady following his accident on Thursday.

Rather than be taken to the hospital, Brady instead opted to be checked out by the team doctors. Again, his focus was to be on time, and he didn’t feel confident that would happen had he been taken to the hospital.

“You know how it is anytime you go to the emergency room,” said Brady. “You go and you wait, and once you get in to be examined you still end up waiting. Then I would have been really late, and coach tends to get pretty upset if you’re not early let alone hours late. I can only imagine what he would have been like had I wasted a morning at the hospital.”

Back-up quarterback Brian Hoyer heard news of the accident and was initially concerned for his teammate, but once he learned that Brady was O.K., his focus turned to watching the clock – as it appeared he was about to have his chance to potentially start and play against the Bengals this weekend.

“Coach won’t play you if you’re not on time, and it’s my job to be ready when the opportunity comes,” said a clearly disappointed Hoyer. “Unfortunately Tom made it in just in time, but hopefully he’ll put up a big game against somebody and I’ll get a chance to play before the season is over.”

Meanwhile Belichick met with the media Thursday morning and told them that he was pleased with the dedication his quarterback showed to his football team.

“Tom’s a professional,” said Belichick. “Obviously a car accident is a serious thing, but all players get bumps and bruises from time to time, and since Tom doesn’t seem to have any there would have been no real reason for him to not be here. It just goes to show you the type of leader he is, and this is yet another reason I’m glad he’s part of this football team.”

For now the Patriots signal caller plans to practice and continue getting ready for Sunday’s game. He was fortunate to escape injury, but more importantly he’s just glad that the accident didn’t keep him from getting to work, because as he points out – he didn’t have a car to get home.

“That would have sucked,” said Brady on what he would have done had Belichick sent him home. “It’s tough to be sent home without a vehicle to get there. I’m just glad I’m here and am just focused on getting ready for Cincinnati.”

This article is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only.

As training camp nears, Patriots fans have been anxious about whether or not quarterback Tom Brady would show up in Foxboro, or if he’d hold out due to the lack of a new contract.

It appears we know the answer – he’s not coming.

“I’ve been hearing [from the media] the entire offseason that I shouldn’t show up for camp,” said the two-time Super Bowl MVP.  “ESPN & Yahoo are both pretty huge companies, and they usually know what they’re talking about.  They made it sound like it all made sense, so now I’m going take that advice and wait it out. The ball is in [the Patriots] court.”

Sources close to Brady have reportedly said that the New England signal caller is unhappy that the Patriots brass hasn’t come to the table with a deal yet, blaming the league’s labor situation as the reason.  Brady’s generally a guy who likes to keep things quiet, and he’s going to figure out who those “sources” are.

“You know, you tell someone something and you expect them to not go off and talk about it,” said a clearly agitated Brady.  “Look, like I’ve said, I know I’m overpaid. But I think I should at least be overpaid close to as much as what Peyton [Manning] is getting.  After all, I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a pick late in a Super Bowl that got returned for a touchdown.  He’s definitely got me beat there.”

“And I’m definitely not taking less than what [Sam] Bradford gets.  I mean you read the articles, that doesn’t make any sense either.”

Brady, who is also from California, was always a big Joe Montana fan growing up and followed the 49ers – something that many reports have pointed out.  Prior to those reports, Brady had never even pondered going there, but those reports set off his wife, Gisele Bundchen, who felt that California would be better than living in New England.

“I didn’t realize I had so much control over him,” said Bundchen.  “I read one of those articles and told him I wanted him to consider moving – and he didn’t argue.” 

“It makes sense, I make a lot more money than he does,” laughed Bundchen. “I should have a say in controlling his career.  We have a baby now – warmer weather means more time outside with him if Tom’s playing football out west.  I don’t know why we didn’t think of it sooner.” 

“You all know what the weather is like here,” continued Brady.  “It’s cold, it’s miserable, it snows.  I mean I hadn’t even thought about going to the 49ers before now, but heck – my son is back there…I read another one of those articles and it just all made so much sense.”

The idea of a move back west got Brady thinking.  He wouldn’t be on a plane as much, and would be able to spend more time with his other son – who lives there with his mother, Bridget Moynahan.  He could easily take over the offense, since it’s not exactly tough supplanting a guy like Alex Smith.  Not to mention the fact that he read that a trip to the Super Bowl was more or less in the bag.

“I think I’d be a good fit there,” said Brady when asked about the possibility of playing for San Francisco.  “I read an article online about that, and one of the guys said I’d make them instant Super Bowl contenders.  I mean that’s what we all work for, so if all it takes is for me to join them to get there, then I guess sign me up.”

A lot of that talk is still pretty premature.  Brady is still under contract for one more season, and also has a great relationship with owner Robert Kraft, and Bill Belichick. – not to mention the friendships he has with his teammates.  But Brady says it’s going to take more than silly little things like that to keep him here. 

“[The media] has done a pretty good job of convincing me of what I need to do,” said Brady.  “They’ve sold me on the idea of holding out, now it’s going to be up to [the Patriots] to sell me on staying here.”

“I’ve trusted ESPN since I was a kid. I think I’ll take their advice and see how it goes.”

The winds of change are blowing hard in Foxboro, and one gust came through on Friday that caught the attention of every Patriots fan who was likely caught off guard when they heard the news.

It was reported that wide receiver Wes Welker would not be placed on the Physically Unable to Perform (PUP) list, and will be a full participant when Training Camp opens on Thursday.  Had he been placed on PUP, it would have potentially kept him out during the first six weeks of the season.

It looks like things are going to be different this year, and according to the Patriots veteran receiver, it was Bill Belichick who made the decision.   It seems that after not having won a Super Bowl since 2004 and having his perfect season spoiled by the Giants in 2007, Belichick has apparently decided it’s time for changes. In the past they’ve been cautious with injuries, and secretive to the media when it came to the severity of them. 

However, it appears this year that the silence will continue, but the “excuses” won’t.

“The doctor said I should probably take it slow and that the knee really shouldn’t receive any impact – which when I get tackled is obviously going to happen,” said Welker yesterday.  “But Bill didn’t want to hear it.  He told me to ‘quit making excuses’, and said that ‘it was bad enough I managed to take the field in crutches at the start of the Baltimore game, yet I couldn’t manage to put the uniform on and play’. 

“He said, ‘Look how that turned out – you let the team down.’”

Welker claimed that he then tried to continue reasoning with Belichick, but he wouldn’t listen.

“I tried to explain that my knee just isn’t there yet,” said Welker. “But he told me to ‘quit being a baby and to be ready to be out there’.”

Welker has been seen working out with Tom Brady this offseason out west, and caught passes from him during OTA’s and minicamp.  Brady has seen enough to feel that Welker should be fine.

“He’s just being ridiculous,” said Brady when asked about Welker’s concern for his knee.  “He was fine during minicamp and OTA’s, and even if it’s bothering him he’s still better than 90% of the other guys in the league.  Besides, with Logan potentially being gone, I’m not going to have as much time to throw – and he always finds a way to get open.”

Brady also went on to say that Welker’s had adequate time to heal and that he doesn’t need any more.

“I mean he injured it on a play where nobody hit him – it couldn’t have been that bad.  Did you see the photo of my leg when [Bernard] Pollard hit me?  It bent in half – I mean you saw it, that’s a real injury.  He just turned and fell down.

“He’s had the entire offseason to heal just like I did, and I even had to deal with infections.  But I made it through last year just fine.  So I think he’ll be O.K.  He should just get over it.”

 Belichick was questioned by the media about his decision, but wouldn’t say much despite repeated tries to get more out of him.

“Look, it’s my job to put the best guys out there that give the team the best chance to win,” said Belichick. “Wes is one of those guys who gives us that.  That’s all I’m going to say.”

So for now he’ll be out there on Thursday, and this should be a sign for other players in the locker room that Belichick is expecting a tougher team this season.  It’s been six years since the team last one a championship, so instead he’s decided that changes needed to be made.

“Guys always get bumps and bruises,” said Belichick.  “I don’t see any bruises on Wes.  Don’t take my word for it, I’m not a doctor.  Take a look at his knee on Thursday and tell me if you see anything.  Then we’ll talk.”

This article is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only.